We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
