Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize