The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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