I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just forgot I was standing up.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
