When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
