I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
