How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
