I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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