I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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