Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
