imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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