If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
