i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
