Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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