I used to practice getting hit by cars.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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