Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
