if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think my vagina is haunted
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
