I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
