I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
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He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
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They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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