Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
