good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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