today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
