6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
