a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I feel like a drive thru vagina
as a side note pls kill me
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
