I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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