He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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