dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
