The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
mondays should just be called national damage control day
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
