I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
