This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
