I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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