I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
