just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
a search helicopter?!
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
