I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....