so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
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I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
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I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.