i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".