I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt