All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
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Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Life without a bra equals bliss.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.