Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
