he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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