You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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