how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
