He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
