i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
