Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
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Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
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I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize