I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
