Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
