She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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