Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sarcasm needs its own font
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
