so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
