theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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