yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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