a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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