all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
