Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
